I think the whole world already knows about my current status: bed rest. Mostly because I complain publicly on facebook. ;) But, I figured I definitely need to write down my thoughts and feelings as of now, so I can remember them later.
When I was 12 I was diagnosed with a blood disorder called Idiopathic Thrombocytopenia. Basically, my white cells (the things that kill disease/eat bad stuff in your body) were confused and would eat my platelets thinking they were foreign. (The blood cells that clot your blood when you have a bleed.) This led to 6 years of "treatment" which consisted of different immunizations and transfusions. Some easier than others, but eventually I had my spleen removed when I was 17, which cured me. Happy story! I am truly blessed that the splenectomy worked for me and that I don't have to deal with low platelet counts anymore. I am very grateful. But looking back on those 6 years of weekly blood draws and monthly transfusions that made me so sick, I feel like I was a pretty strong little girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I complained and milked the attention. I remember feeling sick, and hurt, and the physical trials that ITP gave me. BUT I don't remember feeling emotionally sad or depressed until I look back now. Sure I was sad I had to eventually quit contact sports. But I didn't mope around in my room crying.
How does this all relate to bed rest and my current situation, you ask? Well...I wish I was 12 year old Kylie going through this! Physically, it is hard since I am technically in labor. Back pain/pelvic pressure, etc. Every time baby girl has a dance party I am in tears because of her head's constant pressure on my shortened cervix. I love her so much already and will do anything to get her here safe. So I can deal with the physical pain. What I didn't expect was the emotional pain I would feel on bed rest. I'm sure anybody cooped up in a house all day would get a little storm cloud hovering over their head, but I think the hardest part is feeling guilty. The guilt I feel that I'm unable to clean the house, make dinner, but ESPECIALLY play and take care of my own little boy. I've had about 10 break downs just watching Luke play by himself on the floor thinking, "These are my last few weeks just us." "Does he understand I still love him." "How can I interact with him as best I can as I lay here?" "Should I really send him to another person's house to play tomorrow?" We have had so much support and help here from relief society, family, and friends that I am very appreciative of. Luke has a play date almost every day, and I'm so glad he gets to interact with other kids, or even adults at this point. But every time I drop him off or someone picks him up I can't help but sob for 30 mins.
Anyway, maybe I should have saved this all for my journal since it's kind of heavy and annoying. I guess what I'm trying to say is bed rest is a lot harder than I thought it would be, emotionally. I know that Drew and Luke are just fine. Drew takes care of me like nobody else could. He doesn't even complain that he has to pick up the house 15 times or do 3 loads of laundry a day. And I hope I can make it up to him some day. I know baby girl will be worth all of this, and I hope that Luke will forgive me for shoving him on other people day after day. He is my best little buddy and has grown up so much since I got pregnant. People tell me all the time, "You won't think you can love another the same, but you just do when she gets here." And it's true...I look at Luke and can't fathom loving anyone or anything like I love him. But my heart will make room for another, I'm sure! ;)
I am now 33 weeks, dilated to a 1, and my contractions are getting closer and more intense with each day. I have a full growth ultrasound tomorrow to check baby's estimated weight, my cervix length, and probably dilation again. Then we'll have an even better idea of when she is coming! I told my mom after all this scary preterm labor stuff and trying to keep her full term, she will be a week late. ;) We'll see.
Sorry for the rant, and no pictures either. :( I promise when I'm my old happy self I will be posting away like crazy. Until then, it's back to the couch with Dawson's Creek episodes. Thanks for the prayers everybody!
