I think the whole world already knows about my current status: bed rest. Mostly because I complain publicly on facebook. ;) But, I figured I definitely need to write down my thoughts and feelings as of now, so I can remember them later.
When I was 12 I was diagnosed with a blood disorder called Idiopathic Thrombocytopenia. Basically, my white cells (the things that kill disease/eat bad stuff in your body) were confused and would eat my platelets thinking they were foreign. (The blood cells that clot your blood when you have a bleed.) This led to 6 years of "treatment" which consisted of different immunizations and transfusions. Some easier than others, but eventually I had my spleen removed when I was 17, which cured me. Happy story! I am truly blessed that the splenectomy worked for me and that I don't have to deal with low platelet counts anymore. I am very grateful. But looking back on those 6 years of weekly blood draws and monthly transfusions that made me so sick, I feel like I was a pretty strong little girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I complained and milked the attention. I remember feeling sick, and hurt, and the physical trials that ITP gave me. BUT I don't remember feeling emotionally sad or depressed until I look back now. Sure I was sad I had to eventually quit contact sports. But I didn't mope around in my room crying.
How does this all relate to bed rest and my current situation, you ask? Well...I wish I was 12 year old Kylie going through this! Physically, it is hard since I am technically in labor. Back pain/pelvic pressure, etc. Every time baby girl has a dance party I am in tears because of her head's constant pressure on my shortened cervix. I love her so much already and will do anything to get her here safe. So I can deal with the physical pain. What I didn't expect was the emotional pain I would feel on bed rest. I'm sure anybody cooped up in a house all day would get a little storm cloud hovering over their head, but I think the hardest part is feeling guilty. The guilt I feel that I'm unable to clean the house, make dinner, but ESPECIALLY play and take care of my own little boy. I've had about 10 break downs just watching Luke play by himself on the floor thinking, "These are my last few weeks just us." "Does he understand I still love him." "How can I interact with him as best I can as I lay here?" "Should I really send him to another person's house to play tomorrow?" We have had so much support and help here from relief society, family, and friends that I am very appreciative of. Luke has a play date almost every day, and I'm so glad he gets to interact with other kids, or even adults at this point. But every time I drop him off or someone picks him up I can't help but sob for 30 mins.
Anyway, maybe I should have saved this all for my journal since it's kind of heavy and annoying. I guess what I'm trying to say is bed rest is a lot harder than I thought it would be, emotionally. I know that Drew and Luke are just fine. Drew takes care of me like nobody else could. He doesn't even complain that he has to pick up the house 15 times or do 3 loads of laundry a day. And I hope I can make it up to him some day. I know baby girl will be worth all of this, and I hope that Luke will forgive me for shoving him on other people day after day. He is my best little buddy and has grown up so much since I got pregnant. People tell me all the time, "You won't think you can love another the same, but you just do when she gets here." And it's true...I look at Luke and can't fathom loving anyone or anything like I love him. But my heart will make room for another, I'm sure! ;)
I am now 33 weeks, dilated to a 1, and my contractions are getting closer and more intense with each day. I have a full growth ultrasound tomorrow to check baby's estimated weight, my cervix length, and probably dilation again. Then we'll have an even better idea of when she is coming! I told my mom after all this scary preterm labor stuff and trying to keep her full term, she will be a week late. ;) We'll see.
Sorry for the rant, and no pictures either. :( I promise when I'm my old happy self I will be posting away like crazy. Until then, it's back to the couch with Dawson's Creek episodes. Thanks for the prayers everybody!
15 comments:
you can do it ky! you are soooo close! i can't imagine going through what you're going through. i'm glad you made this public because i sure like to know what's going on in my friends lives.. even if it's not all fun and games. i love you kylie! you are the best mom and this little girl is so lucky to have you!
Love you..Sorry this is such a difficult time for you...BUT, as you know, it will be worth it. I understand HELP is on the way this weekend. That will cheer you up !
KY! I just love you so much! I can see your strength through this (even if you don't feel like you can see your own)! You are amazing. It is so hard to do what you are doing. It just shows what an amazing mom you are that you feel deeply for Luke, but also know what's best for your sweet girl. Also, thanks for sharing the raw, real emotions... They help us see how similar we all are :) And even though 12 year old Ky was awesome, she didn't know how to feel quite like 24 year old Ky... So, you can't feel bad that you aren't her anymore ;) We like you the way you are--all feelings and emotions (good or hard) included!
P.S. We should thank our lucky stars for these blessed men who take care of us! Tell Drew I say thanks for taking care of my sweet Kylie! Love you dearly.
Thanks Dar. It's a great reminder to know I have awesome support from my friends :) Love you!
Love you gram!
You made me cry again Lys! I am glad to know I have best friends who have seen me through it all and love me anyway. I hope your little peanut is doing well too! And you are right. Landon and Drew need a vacation or cruise or at least a high five! ;) Love you.
Oh Kylie, this makes me tear up for you. I understand guilt, particularly mom guilt, and this is probably not how you wanted to spend your last weeks with an only child. I'm sorry my dear, i wish I could hug you and come play with Luke.
Kylie I so wish I could come over to your house and we could just lie on your bed and Heber talk all day long to pass the time. I miss you and am so happy to have you as a friend and example in my life! I knew you had ITP when we were in high school (although I had no idea it was called that until now) but never knew the struggles and pain it caused you. I just knew you were always so fun and nice and I wished we would have been friends sooner! You are so strong and amazing. Love you :)
Hang in there Kylie!!! We love you guys xoxo
You are a mom I look up to Lols! I wish we lived closer so I could learn from you ;) miss you!
I agree our friendship should have started much sooner! But at least we had some good times in Cedar! I miss and love you and our Heber talk :)
same to you on all three counts, Ky!
Kylie, you are amazing!! I can't imagine how hard it is to be on bed rest. You are so strong! I love you girl! You are all in our prayers and can't wait to meet that sweet baby girl. Of course at 35 weeks or later! :)
Love you Jen! Miss you like crazy and wish I could live on the same street as all my best friends. We need to plan the next time we can meet in Heber or see each other!
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