Quarter Life Crisis

I have been extremely hard on myself the past few days. I can't get a few things off my mind.

My parents were very good at helping me feel talented and beautiful my whole life. They helped me try lots of different things to discover my talents, then helped me in achieving many goals and accomplishments. It wasn't until recently, I started feeling kinda worthless. (For lack of a better word.) I know I have talents and I know lots of other things my parents (and now Drew) help(ed) me believe about myself.

But I'm feeling completely stuck right now. I know being a wife and mother and holding 3 part-time jobs isn't worthless. I know that motherhood is a HUGE gift and a huge job, and I am thankful for my children every minute of every day. I have my Associates degree. I have my Medical Assistant certification. I have my phlebotomy certification. I teach piano lessons. I do eyelash extensions. I work front desk at an Ultrasound studio. I cook (sometimes), clean (sometimes) and play with my kids every day.

But for some reason, it's not enough. I keep going back and forth on finishing school, and always come to the conclusion that it's not time. But then a few months pass by and I just feel like THIS again. It's even more depressing when I look at my Associates degree/credits and realize I was .this. close to getting into a Nursing or Ultrasound program. It's what I wanted my whole life but for one reason or another didn't do. I love being a Medical Assistant, especially in the OB/Pediatric fields, and could maybe be happy doing that forever. I'm being trained to do 3D ultrasounds (for entertainment purposes only), but do I need to diagnostic ultrasounds to feel accomplished?

Am I just being human or is this a real problem? Do I NEED to become a nurse or a diagnostic ultrasound tech to fill the void I keep feeling?

Those are the questions I can't seem to answer. Anyone want to help me figure it out? ;)

In the mean time, I will continue on with the things I am proud to have. But I'm also going to accomplish these things this year:

Write some new music
Finish AT LEAST a half, but hopefully a full, marathon
Continue with my established work-out/training regimen and healthy eating
Read a new book each month
Finish the Book of Mormon
Take time with each of my kids each day (doesn't matter what fills the time or how long...just take time.)
Pray with my husband every day
Attend the temple every month

And finally:
STOP being so hard on myself. ;)

Little Star

Dear Luke,

It's been too long since I've written to you and you are such a little man now. You are no longer a toddler, that's for sure. You've turned into a little boy who: goes potty by himself, plays quietly by yourself a lot of the day happily (pirates, blocks, and coloring "maps" are your favorites right now), is sweet to your little sister, knows how to write your name and recognize most letters, and my favorite of all (sarcasm), developing a greater sense of independence from your parents. You are sweet most of the time, but recently you have a little attitude. You say "Oh my gosh" "oh my heck" (and once..."Oh my hell", thanks Drew) or grunt when you are frustrated with us or yourself. You shout/talk back, and you say "no" almost every time we ask you to do something. I guess it's normal but it's very hard for me to know how what to do. We are learning together, I hope.

You still love preschool, Little Stars, and you are thriving there. :) Your school is something I am very thankful for because you get a lot of attention and I know that is contributing to your learning. You always have the most exciting things to tell me when you get home (or if I have carpool and pick you up). Ali sure misses you when you are gone, though.

You would play disneyjunior.com games or iPad games all day if we'd let you. We usually give you 30 mins or so a day to play games because they are pretty educational! I hope I'm not justifying it, but I do think you are learning a lot. Even if it's just hand-eye coordination, haha. You were really into Christmas and loved watching Christmas movies or just talking about our tree. You were so sad when we took it down.

We were able to go to Disneyland again (once in October for Halloween and again in December for Christmas..you spoiled little...jk) and both times were so much fun. We had lots of fun in Heber over the holidays and you asked if we could move there. You'll have to talk to your daddy about that one. ;) For Christmas you got a train table, a pirate island, and lots of little things that mommy got DEALS on at yard sales ;) So you got kinda spoiled this year! One of your favorite things is a new Wii game called "Infinity" where you can pick different Disney characters and you play as them in the game. You and dad play it every night before bed. It's fun to hear you two play and talk strategy. My boys.

You are still my sweetie pie, even though you are growing up by the second. You still love kisses and hugs and every night you say, "BIG kiss" and then proceed to kiss me HARD on the lips. Not sure how long that's gonna last so I'll cherish them now.

I love you, little man. You're the funniest one in our family and I look forward to all the new things you teach me each day.

Love,

Mom

9 months

Dear Ali,

This month was full of firsts and fun! Not only did we have your first Christmas, (and New Years Eve shortly after you turned 9 months old), you also started pulling yourself up onto things, got really good (and obsessed) with stairs, and said "nana" for the first time. I was pealing a banana for your breakfast and you just smiled and said "nana". I died. So cute and unexpected. I have loved watching you explore this month as you are into everything. You are always on-the-go. Still so much crazier than your brother! You love music and have started bouncing up and down/dancing. It's the cutest. I think you got those skills from Luke, for sure!

We had such a good month hanging out with family and daddy for the two weeks he's been off. You have finally learned that not everyone is a stranger and have started letting others hold you. It took a few days to warm up to everyone but now you LOVE your grandparents and cousins. They love you too. Everyone comments on how beautiful you are and how you just look like such a doll. And like you're brother. You guys are practically twins. I love it. Such good memories when I look at you and think of Luke too. You two are two of my greatest blessings. :)

You still LOVE food. You are obsessed with everything and anything and love snacks throughout the day. You love all food but your favorites are bananas, peas, and apples. We have your 9 month check up this week so we will see how you've grown! You still have a good amount of chunk on you, but I'm pretty sure you've thinned out since you started crawling all over the place. You are completely weaned from breast feeding and you seem to be doing just fine on formula. It's been hard for me because I loved that time with you, but we are still best buddies. You are definitely a mama's girl, and I wouldn't have it any other way. You do say "dada" A LOT. Sometimes you just are babbling and others you know what you're saying. You wave "hi" and "bye bye" and it's so cute because you do it with your whole arm up and down and your arm just kinda flops around. Makes everyone smile that you are waving too. You LOVE baths and splashing your brother! (He doesn't really love it.)

You are in my favorite stage and I'm trying to cherish each and every day. Though we had a really tough time a lot of months up until now, you are slowly growing out of all of that nonsense and becoming happier by the minute. In fact, we haven't had a rough day in a LONG time. You are sleeping through the night and soon your early morning bottle will be cut out too. Wish us luck for that one, right?

In a few weeks you are spending 5 days with your Grandparents. I have anxiety about it, because you have been such a high maintenance baby. But I know you will be in good hands.

Your brother has come up with some cute (and some not so cute) nicknames. To date you have been called: "Ala" "Kitty" "Al" "Little girl" "Ali-gator" "Ali-phant" and "Princess."

We love you sweetie. Thanks for being my cuddle bug and making us all so happy. We are so happy you are part of our family.

Love,

Mom.

 Luke and You at 9 months in the tub

 And again. Twins!

 Disneyland at Christmas was tiring!