So, I had a baby!

This post took me a week to write because I've been at a loss for words. Lennon has been such an amazing baby and I feel such a sweet bond with her. I'm not sure if it's because we aren't sure we'll have another, or if it's because of the way she entered the world, but either way I've been holding her allll week long with hardly any breaks because I can't get enough. I have mixed feelings about this birth story because it gave me her, but it was by far the hardest thing mentally, physically, and emotionally I have ever been through. Forgive me if some of it sounds bitter or negative. I wrote some of this soon after all the pain ;) Also if it doesn't make sense, because new mother exhaustion is real. Haha.

I have not blogged in way.too.long. I never even blogged about the fact I was expecting our 3rd baby, let alone anything else in the last year. Sad!! But I have blogged my kids' birth stories each time and can't stop now. Soon I will try and play catch up on all the other happenings in our life. But for now....meet Lennon Elizabeth Burton. :) (Brace yourselves, I go into detail!)

I had been contracting through a lot of my pregnancy with Lennon, just like I did with Ali, so once we hit 32 weeks we were to weekly monitoring so we would have a good idea of when the contractions meant business. At my appointment on Wednesday, Feb 18th, I was contracting on the monitor but nothing too crazy ( I couldn't really feel them), I was dilated to a 2 and was only 50% effaced. The doc told me I could elect for an induction again at 39 weeks due to high fluid like Ali if I wanted to. That would have been on March 2nd. So we kind of planned on that being Lennon's birthday.

Thursday night that all changed! I started feeling uncomfortable pressure and cramping around 10 p.m. on Thursday night. We went to bed and within a half hour I could feel a little bit more and they seemed somewhat regular. I couldn't sleep at all so I went downstairs and started timing them. I took a bath at about 1:00 a.m. and that calmed things down a bit to the point where I could rest. About an hour later I woke up to a contraction and went down to the couch to try and get more comfortable. I texted my mom and told her not to get too excited but that these felt exactly like my contractions during early labor (after already being induced) with the other two. She called me right away and we decided I would wait until about 6 a.m. to decide about going in. By then it was about 3:30 and contractions were about 3-5 minutes apart. I decided to shower and wash my hair since it might be the last time in a few days ;) The shower woke Drew up so I told him what was going on and to go back to sleep. He can sleep through anything luckily! Well, luckily for him. I packed my bag, blow dried my hair, and laid down until Drew came to get ready for work at 5:30. I told him I was pretty sure this had to be doing SOMETHING and we at least needed to be checked. We started making phone calls and by 7:00 we were on our way to the hospital. It was very weird going to the hospital timing my contractions and not really knowing if they were doing anything or not. With the other two, I knew the baby would be coming that day so this was the first time I didn't know what to expect.

After getting all checked in and hooked up, we were able to track my contractions at every 2-3 minutes apart lasting 45 seconds. She checked me and I was 3 cm dilated. The contractions were pretty painful for being so early and that made me feel 1-scared because usually by the time I was feeling these my epidural was on it's way or being placed, and 2-proud of my body for doing the natural thing WITHOUT pitocin.

An hour after getting checked in, I was at a 4 so they decided to keep me! We started settling in and I made what I think was one of the WORST decisions I ever have....to get my epidural (already). In my other pregnancies I got an epidural around 4 cm so I just thought "I know I'm going to get one so I might as well get it now to avoid all pain." However, I wasn't *quite* a 4, and my contractions weren't *too* painful or strong yet. So I really wish I would have waited a while longer to see what my body did.

After I got my epidural I still didn't feel very comfortable. It's like the numbness was just tingly and making it impossible to lift my legs, but I could still feel pressure and aching. The anesthesiologist came in to give me a bigger dose, and after he left I just felt like a huge marshmallow. I don't know how to describe it. I was just completely numb and miserable because I couldn't move AT ALL. I tried to rest but just felt blah and wasn't able to get comfortable enough. My nurse came in to check me every once in a while and there was no progress, and my contractions were just super irregular. We decided to have them break my water because I wanted to avoid pitocin at all costs.

Breaking my water still didn't get things going very much. By this time I was getting really frustrated and worried that my body didn't know what to do without pitocin. Even though when I went in that morning, I was totally in true labor. So although I really didn't want to do pitocin, my doc felt it would be beneficial to start a small dose and see if it could kick start things to get going again. After starting the pitocin, my epidural was almost completely warn off. I told the anesthesiologist I was worried about getting another dose because it made me feel soo lousy and because it slowed things down..almost stopping labor completely. So he told me he would just do a small boost.

The small boost made me numb on my right leg, but no where else. My whole stomach and left side weren't numb. They talked about replacing my epidural and I was almost in tears but the anesthesiologist was in a C-section and couldn't come for an hour or so.

Heres where things got HARD! I could feel so much and the pitocin contractions were so intense. I appreciate pitocin for  helping with the other two births but for this birth, the contractions were just too inhumane for me! ;) They would peak higher than the highest line and then come half way down and then go back up...no breaks in between. I was moaning and gasping through them, but within 20-30 minutes I was full on screaming. Like you see in the movies. Screaming/moaning/yelling/crying. My mom kept going to get my nurse (thank goodness I know her because I used to work with her so she wasn't too annoyed) and she checked me like every 3 minutes because my pain just kept getting worse and worse. Every time she checked me she would say, "Ok, you're a little bit more...you're a little bit more." With Ali, I went from a 5 to a 10 FAST and I expected that this time too. But I was hardly dilating at all with all these crazy contractions. Finally, it got SO intense that I couldn't hold it. I told Drew (or screamed at Drew) that I had to push and I felt something coming out. He looked and said he could see the top of Lennon's head kinda squished. (Sorry, TMI) By this time, my epidural was completely non-functional and my doc was on his way but stuck in traffic so they sent in the "trauma doc". I was still screaming and telling him I had to push and he kept saying, "Don't push! Don't push!" I think this went on for about 15 minutes. I was only dilated to a 7 but Lennon wanted to come NOW so he was trying to get me to a 10 by stretching. However, it wasn't happening fast enough so he did an episiotomy to avoid more tearing. (He said I had a third degree tear at this point.) I felt the episiotomy but didn't even care because I knew I was almost done. After he made the cut, he said, "Ok you can push!" Two pushes later, she was out, and I felt immediate relief. I was sobbing as they placed her on me and I couldn't believe how tiny she was. She was 7 lb. 5 oz, almost 1.5 lbs less than my others. (Crazy that  her labor was SOOO much harder.)

Everyone says, "I've already forgotten, and she was so worth it." And it's true, she was. But I definitely haven't forgotten what that insane pain was like. I don't think I ever will. I think I would have done better had I waited on my epidural for a while, and allowed my body to do it's thing a little longer. Every birth is different and though I know that, I went in expecting the same feelings and for my body to react the way it did to my other epidurals. Not the case!

Lennon is so special and I know she was meant to be in our family. We are all so in love and are adjusting slowly. Luke has been a little emotional, and Ali is slowly learning to share mommy time with another baby ;) But we are getting there. I am recovering better than I thought I would, considering, and hope to be up and running soon.

Something I've been struggling with this week is the fact that I didn't really get "closure" with being pregnant. She came so fast and unplanned that I didn't really have time to say goodbye to pregnancy. We aren't sure if we will be able to go through another rough pregnancy/delivery, so it could have been my last. But having Lennon to stare at all day is much better than JUST feeling her little kicks.

Motherhood is such a crazy journey. Lots of ups and downs and in betweens. There are times I want to hide and cry. (And I actually have done that a few times this week.) But looking at my babies faces helps me remember how important the role is. It is truly my biggest blessing and something I am so thankful for.

We love you, Lennon! Please stay our little tiny doll baby for as LONG as possible.

We didn't take many pictures because we wanted it to be just Drew and I in the room and then things got a little out of hand for Drew to be taking pics ;) But enjoy the ones we did get of our sweetie!