A "must purchase" for all parents.

I have been thinking a lot lately about motherhood. Specifically how unconditional and immeasurable our love is. Our hearts just grow and grow with the number of children we have. When Ali was born it was like I instantly loved her as much as Luke because I knew how much I would grow to love her (like Luke). Does that make sense? My love for Luke grew even more as we welcomed Ali. Seeing him as a big brother and how good his heart is just made me realize how amazing my job is.

But also, how terrifying at the same time.

With so many scary things happening in the world, on top of bullies and peer pressure, I just have constant anxiety. I want my children to know how perfect they are no matter what anyone says. While I have been on a strict diet to try and get back to my old self, it has struck me that Ali might have to go through this too at some point and I never want her to feel ugly or not love herself. (That's a whole other topic I need to blog about some time...loving myself so that my daughter will love herself.) I just don't want my kids to ever feel un-loved.

My mom wrote me a letter after an argument we had in high school, and one line has always stayed with me. She said, "I hurt when you hurt, I cry when you cry. I'm happy when you're happy, and I always want what's best for you." I never understood until I had children of my own.

I know it's hard as a mother to remember your unconditional and immeasurable love you have for your children on a daily basis. As we go throughout our hectic days often filled with tears and whining, it's easy to forget how thankful we are for our little ones. But, as hard as it is, they need to hear how much we love them every.single.day. They need it repeated and repeated, over and over. Because hopefully if we tell them enough, they will soon realize that even though we might be mad at one of their actions, we will always love them. Even if nobody else does. (Only in extreme circumstances...haha..) As Luke has hit his terrible 3 mark I have found my patience running thin. I have tried to keep from yelling or taking my frustration out on him. It's hard work but if I make a conscious effort to do it, it somehow works. The other day I was looking at books on Amazon and stumbled upon this book. Many of you probably have read it. Some might even read it to your children already. But, in case you haven't heard of it, I wanted to share it because it's amazing and I love it so much. Buy it. Read it to your kids, if not daily, weekly! ;) As I read the words I couldn't help but cry because it's so true. I want my little's to know that it's true. So making an effort to read it to them often. Maybe one day we will all have it memorized. I hope so :)

I wanted you more

than you will ever know

so I sent love to follow

wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.

You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain,

climb up to the sky!

My love will find you.

My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!

My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends.

If you're working, or playing, or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy, paint 'til you're blue.

There's no place, not one,

that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely, 

or someday you're sad, 

or you strike out at baseball,

or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.

That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass, in the smell of the sea,

in the clouds floating by, at the top of a tree.

In the sound crickets make at the end of the day,

"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high and so wide and so deep,

it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

So hold your head high and don't be afraid

to march to the front of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe

or you're all the way grown,

my promise to you

is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, my star.

And my love will find you

wherever you are.

You are loved.

--Nancy Tillman 

Aren't these faces too cute? My love will find them wherever they are. Forever.

A long time coming...

This blog post has been sitting as a draft for almost a year. I come back to it every so often but never get around to finishing it, let alone posting it. A few things have made me come back to it recently. Today in church we had a lesson on charity, which only reminded me further. The lesson along with a friend's blog a few weeks back inspired me to finish this. So today I'm starting from scratch in hopes of getting my thoughts out finally.

My friend Leslie posted a blog about Mormon's judging others. You can read it here. (Hope it's okay to share Leslie. :)

http://lesliemoon.blogspot.com/

She talks about many members, and non-members, of our church judging others to the point where they don't want to come to church. They don't want to be a part of a church where the members' judgement is completely opposite of it's teachings. Can you blame them?

Before Leslie wrote this blog I had many thoughts about that same subject. Similar experiences I had and those of close friends and family made me want to speak out as well. I wont get into details of those experiences, but I obviously never did speak out. And I was ashamed of myself as I saw Leslie courageously write such a post. So I'm not going to be silent about this anymore in hopes that maybe writing my feelings down will help me to move past them or figure out how to help in some way.

Judgement is a huge problem in our world. It's also, sadly, a huge problem in my religion. But I would go even further to say it's a huge problem among Christians. Christians who have "Christ" in their name, and preach love, kindness, and charity. We are taught to love our brother, serve one another, and treat others as we want to be treated from a very early age. It's in the primary manual lesson after lesson, reminding children what a Christian is. Sure it gets repetitive, but by the time you can really understand each lesson, it's no longer pushed as much. Maybe that's the problem? It seems silly to push those teachings on little children who can barely comprehend what love really is, but not to adults who interact with strangers on a fairly regular basis. (At least more regular than a child who doesn't need to be an example in their every day actions.) It's important to teach children to love their friends and treat everyone equally. But once the young child becomes a young adult should we assume the issue is engraved enough in their minds it no longer needs to be pushed? Big fat NO. When someone begins to comprehend what love really is, we should never assume they know how to properly express it. Because as an adult I have witnessed all kinds of unkindness around me. ESPECIALLY from Christians. And I just. don't. get. it. The world is an ugly place. But I won't tolerate and don't expect to feel the world's ugly among friends, loved ones, or fellow Christians.

WHY is it necessary to put someone down in order to gain something for yourself? WHY do we ignore someone else's needs because we have needs of our own? And especially, WHY don't we just love unconditionally like we are taught? I guess because we aren't perfect. Only Christ was. He loved unconditionally and never put the needs of himself above the needs of another. And certainly not to benefit himself.

But cant we at least TRY to be perfect? And I mean REALLY try. Not just say so, or sing about it in church songs. 

If you want to read about a true Christian's experience, there are all kinds of service blogs or books. One I highly recommend is Kisses From Katie. She has a blog, (kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com) and also an amazing book. She was a typical Christian all-American girl. Raised to love her neighbor as herself but very into material things and taking for granted all she had. Until she had the opportunity to see people who have NOTHING yet live like they have everything. Read her book. Please.

Maybe if we could all move to Uganda and adopt 15 children each while also housing and caring for other sick and dying people, it would click in our brains. Maybe we would understand that there is more to life than our reality TV , our Big Mac's, our stocked full closets, and our "precious" iPhones. We need to care about people. We NEED to practice what we preach and stop with the judgement and lack of true Christianity. For our earthly happiness, for our world, and for our eternal salvation. We need to. 

I might be a hypocrite for writing this because I know I have so much to be thankful for that I don't even think twice about. I know I have been unkind on more than one occasion. But I think about what it means to be Christ-like a few times a week and strive to do the things I conclude. I have been extremely disappointed in many people (some close to me) who don't seem to care about their legacy or eternal salvation. Trying not to judge their choices and lifestyle when it comes to how they treat others, but definitely don't understand them. Since my grandpa passed, I have really been thinking about what people say about you when you're gone. He didn't have one enemy. Not one. So many people have stopped me or other members of my family to tell us how sorry they are to lose such an amazing person. How would that be? Wouldn't it mean the world to your family and loved ones?

So stop putting others down. Stop talking about them behind their back. Stop judging them. Stop assuming you know more about their life than you do. Stop with the name calling of people different than you. Be Christ-like. Be kind. Speak nicely. Love everyone. No matter what their lifestyle or circumstance. Even Especially when it's different from yours. 

I don't know what else to say. I wish I had some profound statement that would make everyone have an "ah ha" moment. I'm not sure what it will take for Christians to act like Christians. I can only pray that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and treating people the way I should. If you are reading this and feel I owe you an apology for not doing what I was supposed to, please allow me to do so. Whether just by reading this or by confronting me elsewhere. 

I want my children to look at me and think of Christ. When they are singing "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus" in primary I want them to really mean it. I want them to know what being a Christian truly means and show others by their actions. In order for those things to happen, my home, our church, and those we associate with must meet the criteria of true Christianity.

It's time to be better to each other. I'm going to try really hard to do the things I know are right. I hope you will too. 

Charity is the pure love of Christ and never faileth.

Here are a few scriptures from the Book of Mormon that I love and try to read on a regular basis as a good reminder. Whether you are LDS or not, they are words to live by ;)

Moroni 7:43-48

43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart. 

44 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptable before God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity. 

45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail— 

47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. 

48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen. (Book of Mormon, Moroni, Chapter 7)

2 months

Dear Ali,

2 months already! I am soaking up every.single.minute with you. I hold you so much more than I should. (Except not really because you cant spoil a baby I've been told...;)) This month has been so fun! You are developing each day and I love the baby you are becoming! Usually happy and LOVE to talk. You will talk to anyone who puts their face in your bubble, haha, but you goo and coo the most to me! I love it. Daddy laughs at me because I sit and make funny noises and sounds with my lips but you just love talking too much to stop. You are starting to get on a schedule and you even slept 7.5 hours last night! You usually always go at least 5 so we are slowly getting more sleep! Yay you! Keep it up baby girl! We went to the doctor today for your check up and here are your stats:

-Weight: 13.8 lbs, >95th percentile. (Yep, greater than! lol.)
-Height 23 inches. 90th percentile.

You are a chunky monkey! You have a triple chin and I love it. I didn't think you would be this chunky because you nurse REALLY quickly and I wasn't sure you were even getting milk, but I guess you get plenty! You only take about 7-10 minutes to eat and then you are good for 3 hours! You do spit up every time you eat and get hiccups often. Not sure if we have the beginnings of reflux or if it's just normal spitting up. Doc says to keep an eye on it so we will! You are usually happy and only grumpy if you are hungry or have gas. Not sure why my children have issues with figuring out gas! It's really sad but usually if I bicycle your legs or massage your tummy a bit we can get em out ;). You are NOT a pooper, unfortunately. Luke went a couple times a day when he was your age, but you go 3 or 4 days in between poops. In fact, I think it's becoming a problem because you get more fussy as the days go by. So we may have to start putting some cereal in pumped bottles of my milk to see if it helps? We are slowly experimenting with you, but it's not as stressful this time around as it was with Luke because I know it's fine when you are fussy. That's sometimes just how babies get.

You are such a pretty girl. Your eyes captivate me. :) I love to just stare at those pretty blues. Your hair is starting to get really patchy and we'll probably try to even it out pretty soon. You LOVE to sleep on your tummy so if you are napping in the same room that I'm in, I usually let you. Maybe that will help with the bald patches. But if not, it's okay. You are pretty anyway! We are debating whether or not to pierce your ears. I don't think we will, but sometimes I think it would be really cute.

Your favorite time of day is right when you wake up in the morning and during your bath. I love that I have water babies! You are following in your brother's footsteps with the water-loving. I even let you take a 20 minute bath the other day. Is that bad? Your water stayed warm and I just let you soak and relax while I sat and talked to you. It was heaven. You are so fun to snuggle, and I know you like it too. You settle right down if we hold you close, and you even let me chew on your cheeks sometimes. Thank you. :)

You have brought so much joy into our home. I just love taking care of you and think it's the best job in the world! You are loved by so many and we can't wait to see what you become. Though, I hope it goes slowly. Can't believe it has already been two months since you came into the world! We love you sweetie pie.

Love,

Mom.

3 Years

Dear Luke,

You are officially out of the terrible twos and into the more terrible threes! ;) You have turned into a full on child these last two months and aren't at all baby. (But you'll always be my baby!) This last year flew by so quickly when I look back, and we had so many ups and downs! In the last year you have learned so much and continue to be one of the smartest little people I know!

-You know how to differentiate between colors and know most of them.
-You can count to 20
-You are completely potty trained (sometimes a pull up at night and the occasional accident.)
-You are always using new words and sentences, usually we have no idea where you learn them.
-You aren't the best eater. Your favorites (and usually all you will eat) Mac n' cheese, pizza, quesadillas, corn dogs/hot dogs (veggie), green beans, poptarts, waffles, cereal, fruit, and OF COURSE milk. (soy or almond)
-You could run around for hours on end if we would let you. Just run. SO much energy.
-Your favorite toys are Buzz and Woody, Spider man, costumes, cars, and your Jake and the Neverland Pirates boat/stuff.
-You REALLY love your grandparents (what kid doesn't) and miss them terribly when we don't see them often.
-You talk non-stop. Like, literally. I need to listen more often and not just tune you out because you say the darndest things. ;)
-You still love reading books and singing songs. You are usually the only kid left in nursery sitting on the rug singing instead of charging the door towards your parents like all the other kids. I'm excited for you to go to preschool twice a week this fall. (Also a little sad...that will be an emotional day.)
-Your dad is your BEST friend. You love playing with him so much. I hope one day you have a brother to wrestle with because your dad gets warn out!
-You can still swim by yourself as long as you have your floaties..we may try and take them off this summer and see how you do.

While I was on bed rest, you (unfortunately) had to watch lots of TV and movies. Because of that, you know LOTS of Disney characters and cartoon characters. You LOVE all super heroes and especially love to dress up like them. You are almost always in a costume and don't understand why you can't live in them. I guess you can, why not? ;) We have been to Disneyland twice in the last year (lucky you) and it's all you ever talk about. There is an app on dad's iPad where you can scroll around Disneyland and click on each ride and "ride it" or watch movies/characters talking. You are pretty pro at finding different rides or areas of Disneyland (on the app at least!) I wish I had been better at documenting things this past year because you are so funny.

You are also hard! You have a mind of your own and are very independent so sometimes it's a challenge to get you to do what needs to be done. (I'm sure that's a typical toddler-like quality though.) Your little sister is your pride and joy! It's the cutest thing to listen to you talk to her or, my favorite, sing to her. Sure you get jealous of her and want mom to hold you lots more. But, for the most part she hasn't even made a dent in your daily schedule. You still take a good solid 2.5 or 3 hour nap. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be cutting that out or not but you usually fall asleep anyway if I don't lay you down. So we'll keep doing it.

You are still big for your age at 35 lbs and 38.5 inches. Lots of people think you are a 4 year old. And you seem SO heavy now next to your chunky sister. You also surprise people with your vocabulary. (Again, you talk a lot.) You are very social and don't take long to warm up to people. One of my favorite things you do though is you talk to people through me. When someone asks you a question, you turn to me and say, "What did her say mom?". You get messed up on pronouns, using "her and him" instead of "he or she". And sometimes you use "my" instead of "I". It's really cute so I don't correct it as much as I should. ;) "What did her say, mom?" "Where is him going?" "Her is crying!" "My do it." See? Doesn't it sound cute? You ALWAYS ALWAYS have to say thank you. Even if someone does something so little for you. You go out of your way to tell them thank you. I'm so happy you do it, and I'm not sure where you learned it. But I'm glad!

You still have beautiful long eyelashes that people comment on. A very handsome little dude!

I know there is so much more I could write, and I need to be better at it. Because I don't want to forget the funny or sweet little stories. Hopefully I can find some from other social media sources to document in our blog book.

I love you so much little man. You have been such a challenge these past few months on bed rest and then having a newborn all while you were turning three. (Side note..I totally think it's supposed to be "terrible threes" for boys. Not "twos" But whatever.) We have our moments where I feel like I am a a horrible mom and you won't ever listen or forgive me. But then we just snuggle for a bit and it's all okay. Thank you for loving me despite my short comings and motherly fails. ;) You keep me going every day and I can't wait for our relationship to grow even more than it has. You are my favorite boy. And you know it. ;) Please slow down. I know a year from now I will be saying this year flew by. But I hope to savor every single moment and hold it dear because time sure does fly when we are having fun.

Love you so much,

Mom